The constant beat down of current experiences coupled with having no where to focus such an active mind is a bad combination.ur like a real Ben Kenobi or yoda. such wise words that makes sense and makes me feel better, thanks
indeed I was never like this in school/college/uni cos there was a certain pre-determined path to follow through my education and had security of living at home and was young and focused on work/grades and social stuff like clubbing & women etc weren't of importance, priority or interest (not that I had a chance anyway).
difference nowadays is that I've completed my education path, still have an uncertain career path, an uncertain home coming up, have been stubborn in hanging onto 3 local risky startup companies that's repeatedly crashed & burned and stung me, leaving a very bad taste and loss of trust in myself & others, I'm almost middle aged while similar groups are already dating few times/married/kids.
basically alot of uncertainty = anxiety, danger, the rug underneath has been tugged afew times, so brain tries to protect by emergency brakes.
cos my mind works more visually & imaginatively, it's advantage is gr8 for systematic attention to detail, simulating/planning/predicting scenarios, mechanisms, systems etc but at the other scale when it's not used for work, it's a disadvantage always trying to sim/plan/predict my own life, panics over the results as anxiety and tries to self preserve.
yes I may not be high on autistic scale (everyone is autistic but on different scales), perhaps its just I'm a stubborn introvert, the past failures & mistakes build up "general anxiety" & frustration and the brain tries to pick at my every fault putting blame on some condition to explain the results and regret turns to depression?
aye letting an expert put a label on me won't help.
agree bout the investing high effort/input into work & relations but lack of return/reward beating me down down down.
using my usual roadtrip metaphor: seems I've just took a wrong turn through some rough dodgy neighbourhood where I've been deceived/robbed so I veered off-course in hopes of finding that luvely safe motorway to paradise. but now that I'm lost & broken down, blaming my tools/map/car, the local garage only works once a week and only now that I'm considering asking for directions.
think once I have the right guide, persuade myself to carry on driving through the unknown roads and eventually go back on that rosey motorway with similar ppl, life will be better.
gawd this reminds me of my first solo roadtrips
always wished there was a tomtom / google map satnav to life rather than word of mouth, whispers and the old atlas maps.
thanks to you & everyone for being in my life, believing in me and helping me up after falling
regards to the sill repair, aye twas a quick fix in not ideal cases but it certainly did the job it was meant for (to pass MOT). now I have tools/skills to do it properly and in my own time. the new MIG is the start of something.
If I've not done enough in a day. Come night time where it's quiet my mind races. Ideas, thoughts, what ifs.. it drives me nutty but it's because I haven't exercised that active mind enough in the day by doing the same mundane tasks that require no thought
Hence I always plan difficult projects. Whether I'm going to do them or not. I like to learn and keep that mind busy. You should try it some time you'll always get people who say you can't do it or that won't work. Honestly sit back and question their credentials. You'll quickly realise their opinion is based on their lack of understanding.
Writing things down to clear my head has big affects on me too. I no longer have ti juggle thoughts or information as it's written down.
With your road trip. You didn't take a wrong turn. You were misguided and that's the key. Put faith into others to be let down. You'll find your way back for sure.
There's no time limit Paul. You haven't got to have certain things done by xx time/date. The realisation of that for me was a great relief. I felt less rushed, less pressure. Job wise I was rejected all over. There was always someone with something better. I turned to self employment. It's damn hard and I'm only just reaping real reward (my fault it took so long). You're set up. You're established here. Get going. You'll not regret it. If ever you're unsure I'm happy to help
I think you've just written the answers you were hoping for from these professionals. You know the causes, you understand the effects. Now it's time to create more positives to outweigh the imprinted negative. Depression isn't feeling sad. A lot of people who've never suffered it or think they have just assume it's feeling down. It's a whole lot worse. You question yourself on multiple levels and generally feel down about most aspects and it snowballs.
The only way to beat it is to prove to yourself you can do it. And that all comes from taking opportunities you come across. Which of course is hard as you sit believing you can't do it. You will
No need to thank me. It's just what proper friends do