crash

kennierobo

Buy & Sell Member
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
 
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kennierobo

kennierobo

Buy & Sell Member
I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to @**** off
 

Shaun

***StaGGeRed***
Get you own back for shopping.
Take your other half to 10 pubs without drinking a drop then go back to the first one for a pint.

-Sickipedia
 
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kennierobo

kennierobo

Buy & Sell Member
A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replies, "No, just having a dump."
 
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kennierobo

kennierobo

Buy & Sell Member
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "get lost, you won't bring it back."
 

Antony

Ex. Club Member
man walks through a grave yard and hears a noise behind him..........

"mark!"

"mark!"

the noise keeps getting louder, he starts running...

"mark!"

he gets to the gate and its locked shut.... so he turns round.....

"mark!"

its a dog with a hair lip...:p
 

Antony

Ex. Club Member
walking down the street and a huge wooden casket jumps out and starts growling at me.

i ran away and it starts chasing me....

GRRRRRR!!! its getting closer
GRRRRR!!! it chases me home,
GRRRR!!! it breaks through the door....
i ran up the stairs and into the bathroom where i locked the door....

GRRRRR!!!!!!!

its banging on the door....
as it breaks through the bathroom door i start throwing stuff at it....

bathroom scales, sponges, nothing its still coming....
into the cabinet, toothpaste.... nothing..... glass.... nothing.....
picked up a bottle of benalyn...................... and the cofin stopped.....:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
 

NeX

You're after my robot bee
Club Member
a guy is walking a long when a nun comes the other way, they pass each other and then the guy quickly doubles back and beats the crap out of the nun. when he is done he stands over her and says, "not so tough now are you batman!"
 
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kennierobo

kennierobo

Buy & Sell Member
reminds me of!!!!!!!!!
The seven dwarfs were doing a world tour when they stoped off at the vatacan, as dopey needed to see the pope. Anyway dopey along with grumpy got to see him and grumpy nudging dopey said go on then ask him....dopey asked do you have nuns in the Antarctic Yes my son the pope replied, dopey overjoyed started to clap his hands...NO said grumpy ask him properly dopey then asked do you have black nuns in the antartic again the pope replied yes we do my son. Grumpy got more grumpy and shouted at dopey ask him again dopey then asked do you have tiny black nuns in the antartic? Im sorry was the reply we dont! At this grumpy came out shouting at the top of his voice DOPEY SHAGED A PENQUIN
 
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kennierobo

kennierobo

Buy & Sell Member
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the dark! ' says Murphy.
 
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kennierobo

kennierobo

Buy & Sell Member
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 

Antony

Ex. Club Member
When Grandfather dies
Life will be strange
When Grandfather dies
My whole world will change
When Grandfather dies
I'll scream and I'll yell
'Cause I'll be "lovin' rich as hell

So Grandfather, die
Don't keep me in suspense
Oh Grandfather, cough
Up that inheritance
Oh Grandfather, don't
Hold on another day
I love you to death
But I've gots bills to pay

A stroke would be nice
Disease would be cool
I'll scatter his ashes
In my new swimming pool
I'll party with Hef
I'll dine with the Queen
So what say we unplug that machine?

Oh Grandfather, die
Before the fiscal year
Oh Grandfather, I
Wish Kevorkian were here
Oh Grandfather, die
Just take your final bow
Oh Grandfather, die
Family hates you anyhow

For God's sakes, you must be as old as the sun
Your Social Security Number is 1
You're deaf, dumb, and blind, and an amputee
You donate your blood every time that you pee
Your arthritis acts up whenever it rains
You're so old your penis has varicose veins
Oh, why don't you die, Grandpa?
Why must you fight?
You old mother"lover"
Just walk toward the goddamn light

Walk toward the light, old man
Walk toward the light, old man

It's all over now
My granddad is dead
A mysterious blow
To his wrinkled old head
Before I collect
A small oversight
But everything should work out all right
I'll start working on my grandma tonight
 
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kennierobo

kennierobo

Buy & Sell Member
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod
 
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kennierobo

kennierobo

Buy & Sell Member
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 
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kennierobo

kennierobo

Buy & Sell Member
A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
A husband, "Put 'MYPENIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. message Not long enough."
 
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kennierobo

kennierobo

Buy & Sell Member
3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in? the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest d*ck in the world"
The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have? the smallest? arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the **** is JUSTIN BEIBER?
 
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kennierobo

kennierobo

Buy & Sell Member
Five Important Qualities

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
 
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kennierobo

kennierobo

Buy & Sell Member
When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.

After a while, my mum said, "Just use a spoon, Ern. You're not a Jedi."
 
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kennierobo

kennierobo

Buy & Sell Member
Jesus was in a foul mood after having sex with his new girlfriend for the first time.

She asked: "What's up with you?"

Jesus replied: "Oh, nothing... It's just really annoying to hear a bird scream your dad's name while she's having an orgasm."
 
Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best w*nk last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
 
A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like rain. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, they don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." So, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and takes the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the pots!"
 
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